Why can't I hold all these projections?, Self Portrait
During Covid I had to start working with my own body – something I haven't done for a long time. This opened a new even deeper topic on top: How can I as a woman in this society tell a story about projections without being projected and creating new projections? I received messages on Instagram: fire emojis, "hot" and similar things. This to be honest felt like a slap in my face and made me struggling a lot. It even gave me the feeling what I'm doing is creating the opposite from what I was expecting. But now I think (and I hope I'm not mistaking – if you who is reading this right now think so please get in contact with me and let me know) what happened there was unexpected – yes but actually subconsciously the reason why I wasn't working with my own body for such a long time, why I was always hesitating. I will take it as a realization – the realization and the evidence that we still have a lot of work in front of us. People think they are doing something good for me by telling me that I'm hot, sexy, good looking as much as the women I project on myself. Maybe I'm communicating wrong? Maybe for some people it seems like I'm insecure and they want to support me and give me more security? Maybe people are so much used to women who are in need of being told that they look good? Why are so many women in need of that? Are they really in need of that? Was I ever really in need of that? Or is it just society or media who is teaching us to feel like being in need of that? Am I happy when certain people tell me that I look good? Yes! I think it's natural, isn't it? But do I need everyone to find me good looking/hot/sexy/attractive? What am I doing to make people finding me attractive? And which projections am I creating by doing so?